sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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