I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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