i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
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Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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