No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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