Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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