Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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