The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
