did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
