i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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