There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
