capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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