If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
