Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
