I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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