My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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