i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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