the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
