Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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