Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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