did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
