god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
