what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
