Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
