I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Welp...herpes.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
