She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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