There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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