guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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