I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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