My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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