im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
