she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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