i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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