how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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