I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
