he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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