Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my being single is dangerous.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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