sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
