I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
