i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
