well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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