Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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