allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
