What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
