Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
