I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
