He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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