Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
