I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
