once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
be right there i have to get my cape
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Randomize
