You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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