If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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