He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You're a waste of cheezeits
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
