guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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