hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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