You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
