my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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